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HUMOR

Flying Blind

I was flying from Shanghai to Zhengzhou. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was slightly annoyed.  Unexpectedly, we stopped at Nanjing on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we could re-board in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, 'Lee, we're in Nanjing for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

Lee replied, 'No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?'

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!


Flying in the 'Old Days'

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

'$10 for 3 minutes,' replied the pilot.
'That's too much,' said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, 'I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10.'

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, 'I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.'

'Maybe so,' said the farmer, 'But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.'


A Classic Piece of Navigation

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, 'Hey! Where am I?' To this, the solitary office worker replies, 'You're in a plane.'

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. 'Simple,' replies the pilot, 'I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 per cent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there I knew the airport was just 5 miles away.'


Pilot Makes An emergency Landing

According to The Australian newspaper, an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately.  A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging inside the smallest room.

 

FUNNY SIGNS AND NOTICES

 

SIGN IN A LAUNDROMAT:

Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

IN AN OFFICE:

After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board

Whacked

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


Old Enough?

A man walked into a little corner shop with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the shopkeeper had put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the shopkeeper to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'It's because I don't believe you are over 18. The robber said that he was, but the shop's owner still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driving licence out of his wallet and handed it to the shopkeeper who looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 18 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his swag. The shopkeeper immediately called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he had seen on the licence.

Police arrested the robber two hours later.

www.guy-sports.com

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